i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
