that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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