It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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