Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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