At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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