so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
