We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
