saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
there was a trapeze. enough said
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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