the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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