after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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