So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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