im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Randomize
