Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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