I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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