I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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