my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize