so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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