My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
