I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
