there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
