Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
