This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
