just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
