can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
