So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
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