There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
