How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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