I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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