Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
