there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
