Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
