I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
