Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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