so let's talk penis.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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