matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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