My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
