You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
he fucked my hip out of place.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
