True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
