we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
