Soap is not a condiment
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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