just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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