just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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