She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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