life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
