i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
