I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
