I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
