in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
