I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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