i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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