I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
