You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
