You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
