Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Randomize
