Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
