Please, let me fuck your mom
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize